Did It Know?

by: Ariana Strong

​

The thunder from the clouds on this rainy day perfectly explain my feelings. Anger is all I feel. Why did It have to take my father? Why couldn't it have been someone else? 

 

I need my father. I need him to take me to the father daughter dances. I need him to show me the carefree side of living. I need him to teach me lessons, only a father could teach. I need him to be at my graduations. I need him to walk me down the aisle. I need him everyday. I need him every hour. Every minute. Every second. Every millisecond. I need him. 

​

But he is gone. Gone to a place where I have no way of reaching him. To where I have no idea if he can even see me. To where I do not know if he's okay. To where I have no clue what he is doing. He is off racing cars or is he with the rest of our family? Or is there nothing and he doesn’t exist anymore?

​

My family was hit hard. My mother is sad. We all are. The only joy she can really find is in my sister and me. But even then it doesn’t last long. The weight of all the responsibilities crush her joy. She works a job she doesn’t enjoy since the move. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I can't fix it. There's nothing I can do. It pains me to see her in such despair. I want it to change. But I know it won’t. 

​

We are not the same as before he was taken. This constant sadness has changed us all. A darkness lies within us all. It is the anger of what It did to my father. It makes me wonder, if It even thought for a second... How would taking my father affect my mother? How would it affect me, my sister, and us as a family? 

​

It altered our lives completely. We moved across the country, leaving all of our great friendships behind. We were unable to find jobs here. Unable to find a home. Unable to find pure happiness or true friends. Did It know how much pain it would cause us? Every January. Every April. Every birthday. Every Christmas. Every holiday. Every July. Every. Single. Day. You would think we’d be used to the pain, but it still hits us every year. 

​

Did It know that we wouldn't remember?  Memories disappear with every passing second. The picture of his face is almost a composite of a stranger. Our temporal lobe and hippocampus, even they, do not remember his face. Our auditory center can not remember his voice or his laugh. His empty presence is all we feel and all we can remember. 

 

Did It know that we would all have a hole in our hearts that can't be filled? Did It know that we would have this constant need of something, but be unable to figure out what it is? Did It know we that we would have this constant struggle all our lives? Did It know all these factors when It took my father? Did It take my father willingly, even after knowing what it would cause? Did It know how scared we were? Did It know how scared we would still be? Did It know we would be left with this empty, angry spark inside?

​

Did It even know?